Living with Roommates & Navigating Conflict as a Christian

When I first came to the University of Maryland, the idea of having a roommate seemed equally exciting and daunting all at the same time. If you had asked me then, I never would have thought that it would be one of the things that grew me the most in my faith and friendships. Everyone comes from different backgrounds and communication styles, so navigating conflict can be difficult. As Christians, it can feel very challenging to be kind, loving, gentle, and not insistent on our own way in these situations. However, I can say that as I have pursued the Lord deeper in the struggle of this challenge, He has been a faithful guide and teacher. 

Initial Reaction

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19-20)

First, I want to acknowledge that initial reactions can be difficult because they feel instinctual and hard to control. While this feels impossible, the Lord makes this possible to us. Through the Holy Spirit within us we can choose to deny our flesh in those instinctual moments and pursue love in our initial reactions. 

My initial reaction is something I have struggled with a lot, often getting overwhelmed and angry. I’ve seen such a big difference when I let my reactions get out of control in conflict vs. when I take a second and prioritize the Lord in the midst of it. 

Prioritizing the Lord in this time doesn’t have to feel like something big. Oftentimes what has helped me is a short, quick prayer, “Lord help me to be kind, to love like you do.” Something like this helps to recenter our hearts and our minds on God instead of leaning into the desires of our flesh.

A common example of something that will come up with roommates is navigating cleaning tasks. This year I lived in an on-campus apartment with six girls total (so fun!!) and we ran into an issue pretty quickly with delegating chores. It was easy for me and some of my roommates to look at the dishes not being done and get frustrated. However, in striving to serve the Lord in this we didn’t dwell in our anger and looked deeper into why there was an issue and how to address it with love. 

Reflection

​​“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5)

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16)

Something so sweet about conflict is that we have a friend to go to who is all knowing and was tempted just like us. Jesus was without sin yet gave himself up for us, an act of absolute love and forgiveness. We have all been forgiven of much, so we are called to forgive much. Even when others greatly sin against us, we have sinned more against Jesus - so who are we to not forgive?

Forgiveness is not an easy thing. For me, forgiveness can be really hard and often requires a daily pursuit through continual prayer. But, through these small intimate moments with the Father He has softened my heart and opened it to new perspectives. 

After having a tough interaction, taking time to just sit with the Father and reflect can reveal so much. This is another way to center your heart on God’s will in the midst of a lot of emotions. Some people like to do this through journaling, going on prayer walks, or just sitting alone somewhere. This is a sweet time to think through the other person’s perspective and what you could have done better in the conflict.

Expanding on the cleaning chores example, after seeing it was an issue me and my roomate spent some time with God. He led us to think about the other circumstances going on in our roommate's lives. The situation was not just that people didn’t want to  help clean, some had health issues, some were taking a lot of credits, and some had a lot of other obligations. Everyone had busy schedules and a lot of things they were processing. This led us to shift our frustration to the sentiment of “maybe this is an opportunity for us to love and serve these girls”.

Seeking Wise Counsel

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-20)

“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)

After spending time with the Lord in seeking His wisdom and self-reflection, I find it helpful whether to determine this is something I should seek counsel on. Seeking wise counsel can be a very wise thing, but it is also intentional and not always necessary. As Matthew 18:15-20 says, if this is a sin issue and you have already brought it to them, yet it keeps occurring, this is a very clear time to bring someone else into the matter. 

Seeking counsel is not looking for agreement, it is looking for wise, biblical advice. An aspect of this is “who’s counsel are you seeking?”. Good places I like to seek counsel from have been a christian mentor, christian friend who has experience on the situation, or a pastor. These people have offered me loving and honest advice, and hard truths that I needed to hear to grow. 

With the chores example in my apartment, this was not a situation I needed to seek counsel on because it was much more of a preference issue than a sin issue. However, my mentor had a lot of experience living with roommates throughout college, so I asked her how she would approach it. This advice offered me a new perspective and reminded me to ask questions before making assumptions. 

Approaching Conflict & Reconciliation 

“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” (Romans 12:17-20) 

Being completely honest, it can be really difficult to initiate a conversation about a conflict because it's vulnerable. A reminder for me is that there is freedom in having these conversations because it is a way for me to serve someone. 

Going into the conversation it’s important to have a heart posture of seeking to love this person and honor God. Throughout college I learned that when I went into conversations seeking my own validation, like an apology from someone else, I wasn’t walking in love. These conversations would often just make things worse because I was putting my pride above serving the Lord and it showed in how I treated them.

Yet, when I come with a heart posture of wanting to have a conversation because I love someone, it has been truly beautiful. These conversations have built up my friendships by having open, vulnerable talks in love. I can confidently say that my roommates have become the closest Christians friends I’ve ever had, and these sweet times have been the foundation for our friendship.

Back to the practical cleaning example, a sweet conversation was had with the roommates. We had a roommate meeting where we could check in on everyone and have a platform to address any concerns. This allowed us to bring up examples of how there were issues with the dishes and the trash in an observant and non-accusatory way. We got to have an open discussion of what people were struggling with, and how we could best serve them. We also came up with a system on the whiteboard that reminded each of us when it was our turn to take out the trash. Overall, a great moment to grow in friendship, serving each other, and serving the Lord!